Texas Lady

This morning I woke at 4 A.M. hurting, hot and my heart pounding from some bad dream that woke me.  So I came to the place I always go…..my computer.  It’s almost 7 A.M. now and I’m getting sleepy finally.  So I came here to talk to myself; it’s about the only time I have to myself anymore.  I used to smoke cigarettes (quit 22 years ago) and remember reading an article that said a lot of people smoke to have a reason to take a break from whatever they’re doing.  At the time, I seriously thought about that comment and realized that that was me.  Now instead of cigarettes I use the laptop to “take my breaks” from life, stress, reality or whatever.

My laptop tried to bite me yesterday.  I came home from work and had a virus on it.  Me, who preaches to others about their virus protection, had a Trojan on her computer.  From the scan I saw that when the little bugger hit my PC I was on my way to work; not even home for gawd’s sake!  But, as I always say, everything happens for a reason.  I learned a very important lesson, or maybe more than one: computer infections can affect me.  They can happen when I’m not even home or on the computer.  And I needed better antiviral software!  Hopefully I have remedied all that now.  I’ll know when the deep scan I have running is over if I’ve recovered or if I have to reload this whole shebang.  I hope it’s the former; the latter is not appealing at all.

On a happy note, my new iPad arrived yesterday so while my laptop was under the weather I had another toy to play with.  I didn’t buy the “New iPad”.  I probably should have but I’m cheap (not that my husband would think that).  So I bought a refurbished iPad 2, the cheapest model there is but sufficient for what I’m using it for.  I figure if I find I need more I’ll buy the more expensive model, but this should be just fine at least until I can get a refurbished “New iPad”, too.  I figure I’d better save some bucks so I’ll be able to buy that $7000 sewing machine I want for retirement.  That baby has everything and that’s what I want.

Sometimes I worry that I have no motivation anymore.  I don’t do a lot of the things I used to do; at least  I don’t find myself motivated to do the things I used to do.  It seems like I once got a whole lot more accomplished.  Now, I don’t feel like I DO as much but I’m a whole lot happier than I used to be.  I think I have become a BE-er instead of a DO-er.  Is that a part of aging, you think?  Probably so.  Younger folks kind of feel sorry for older folks because we can’t do all the things they do anymore, but they need not worry.  We’re a whole lot happier than they are and worry a whole lot less than they do.  It’s not a bad life just because it’s been washed a few more times and sometimes put away wet.  At least it’s clean and shiny where it’s not frayed around the edges.  It’s still living and that sure beats the alternative………..

Home from work and a quiet night which is pleasant in itself.  Let the big dogs out of their crates, loved  them, medicated where necessary, fed Max, put my phone on charge, nightgown on, Diet Coke open.  And here I am unwinding.

Right now I’m wondering what it will be like when I retire next year, when I no longer have to work nights or weekends or with people I don’t like.  What will it be like when I can focus myself on what I want to do and on my interests without being perpetually exhausted?  Ronnie and I have talked about how exhausted we both are, how many things we have committed ourselves to, and what, if anything, we could let go of in order to make our lives less stressful.  So, what are we looking at here?  Right now I have: my job (12 hour shiftwork), our volunteering with animal rescue (which used to include fostering until we kept so many that we don’t have room anymore), my sewing classes and time to do some sewing, serging or machine embroidery, blogs, a new website under construction, a couple of dogs that have special needs, trying to keep a path open through the house and clean clothes on our backs, and learning 3 new software programs in my spare time (which includes some more classes).  Then there is the committee I’m on at work (in its 3rd year).  Oh, yeah.  And my husband and my family, too.

What of this am I willing to give up?  The answer is always the same: none of it.  All the things we do, we do because we enjoy them and we feel good about the donations that we make to society.  We have so much.  We have each other.  We are so happy.  And we like to spread it around.  It’s such a sense of freedom to be able to do what we want, give what we want without restraint.  To DO.  To BE.  To LOVE all we can in any way we can.  What a wonderful gift from the Universe.  Why would I want to give it up?  Maybe it’s because I’m so damned tired?  Nah, can’t be!  LOLLLLLLLLL

When I fall down and can’t get up, I’ll quit something…but I’m not a quitter, never have been.  Except for retirement.  One more year and I’ll have my 30 years in with this company.  One more year and I’ll be financially able to retire.  Is that quitting?  No, I don’t think so.  I think it is the payback for all the years I have worked (since I was a teenager).  Retirement is earned, not given, so I don’t feel it’s quitting, giving up.  It’s just getting to be my time of life.  My life.  My freedom.  My peace.  My happiness………yeah.