Down To The Wire

Tomorrow morning I go to work and sign out.  It’ll be the last time I badge in and badge out, the last time I park in that parking lot, the last day of my employment there.  It feels kinda scary but I know it’s simply a part of the process that I have put into place to retire.  I can’t start the rest of my life without turning this page.  That job has been my security blanket for 29 years.  It helped me raise my children, help my grand-children, buy and build a home and a life for myself.  It has seen me at my worst and my best, and everything in between.  I’ve laughed inside those gates, been frightened, angry, stressed and cried copious tears.  I’ve been sick, tired, sleepy, motivated, elated, and bored there.  Whatever I’ve been, it’s been within those borders, too.

I’ve known some really sweet people there, and some really asinine people, too.  I’ve had love affairs with some people who entered those gates (no, not within those gates LOL).  I’ve argued with people there, been intimidated by people there, admired people there, and resented people there.  Just like real life, all those emotions live within those gates, too.  I’m leaving behind some really wonderful co-workers, people who had my best interests at heart.  I’ll miss them terribly and hope to see them again.  I have no ill feelings for this site.  It’s just time for me to go and I’m fortunate enough to be able to retire early while I can still enjoy my life.

How do I say goodbye after spending half my life there?  Today at lunch with Ronnie I cried, but not because I would miss the place, but because I feel rejected by the company.  I feel that I gave much more than I was appreciated for, acknowledged for, or compensated for.  I spent so much time trying so hard for what ended up to be nothing at all, just a paycheck, just a way to fill my time and build my retirement funds.  I wanted so much more and tried so hard, yet with every turn I was rejected and defeated until a couple of years ago when I just stopped caring and stopped trying so damned hard.  It’s such a shame.  I had so much potential that the company squandered, but by then I had spent so much time there that I couldn’t start over anywhere else.  Sad.  I wonder if I’ll ever have to cry over that loss again or if that was all the tears I’d stored inside for the loss I’ve felt for so long.  Time heals all wounds.  It’s a matter of time.  This time….time out….overtime…one time….time will tell.

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